5 Love Languages

I just finished reading The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. Although I do not think the book is extremely well-written, I do find this concept really interesting. It may not have all the parenting answers you are looking for, but it may be a useful tool in your toolbox!

The authors say that there are five "love languages," or ways of giving and receiving love. Most people prefer one of the languages to the others, and the best way to communicate your love to them is in that particular way. That is the way they hear and feel your message of love best. Sometimes that is also the primary way they show their own love to others. 

The basic idea is that the best way to keep your child's "emotional tank" full is to speak their particular love language. When they know that they are loved, they are much easier to discipline and will probably engage in less problematic behaviors. Of course most parents would say "Of course I love my children! They should know that because I do this or say that or give them this and that, etc." The authors' point is that our children may not be hearing our messages of love loudly and clearly if we are communicating in their un-preferred languages and shortchanging them on their favorite love language.

The love languages are as follows. You may easily be able to pick out the ways your children feel most loved, or you may have to do a little research. You want to love all your children in all 5 ways, but make sure to offer them plenty of love in their primary language (and as much as possible avoid using that primary language to hurt them because it is particularly damaging.)

1. Physical Touch: physical contact like snuggling, hugs, kisses, high 5's, wrestling, a pat on the back, ruffling their hair, etc.

2. Quality Time: spending time with them.

3. Words of Affirmation: speaking to them verbally with words of encouragement, praise, affection, endearment, and positive guidance.

4. Gifts: tangible items given in special ways; the child sees the items as a symbol of your love and may display them prominently in his or her room. This could also be basic necessities you would normally just buy for a child that you present as a gift, like a new pair of sneakers wrapped up specially. These are not bribes or payment for services, for example, an ice cream cone if Bobby cleans his room. Also, the gifts must be given with plenty of true unconditional love. The book gives a great example of a baseball that was given you a boy as a replacement for love, not with real true affection, and the mom later found it in the toilet, then in the garbage can!

5. Acts of Service: when you do something for your child, such as fixing a toy, baking them cookies, hemming a skirt, helping them change a bike tire when they ask for help, etc.

Of course, this is just a basic overview of the topic. The book goes into far more detail, and you can also ask me if you need more information or clarification. I hope these ideas might be helpful to get you thinking about your own child's love language, or as a possible answer to that parenting problem you just haven't figured out how to solve yet!