Happiness Boosts Learning

 

Welcome back to school, TPS families! I hope you had an enjoyable and restful break.

 

My brother shared this speech with me, and I think it has great relevance for our families and students as well. It is only 12 minutes long, and the researcher is lighthearted and amusing. In short, he says that when we are happy, our brains learn better, have more energy, and are 30% more productive than when we feel neutral or unhappy. 30%!

 

My favorite part is how the speaker gives 5 simple, concrete actions to help our brains be happier. It only takes 21 consecutive days of these practices to significantly boost your happiness levels and start training your brain to see positives instead of negatives. I think he even says it could just take a couple of minutes each day, not a big time commitment.

 

I know I have spoken with some of you before about bedtime routines and dinner table conversations and other types of daily "traditions" or "rituals" that you encourage for your family and children. These first 3 seem like they'd be very easy to incorporate into conversation during the car ride home from school, dinner, or bedtime.

 

5 Practices to Train Your Brain to Be Happy and Boost Learning

• write down 3 things you are grateful for everyday
• journal about one positive thing that happened every 24 hours
• do an act of kindness for another person
• exercise
• meditate

Of course, this psychologist is not talking about our kids being happy because we let them do everything they want to and play video games all day. :) He is talking about training our brains to emphasize positives instead of negatives, and create a happy state of mind separate from our external circumstances and life situation.

 

I hope you like this as much as I did! I, for one, am definitely planning to start a gratitude journal. :)

 

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here!

Building Self-Esteem

I was talking with a parent about self-esteem yesterday, and I thought it might be a valuable topic to post about here. Self-esteem is a big buzzword, and lots of experts have lots of different things to say about it!

One thing that I think has been counterintuitive for me is that praise and compliments do not build self-esteem. In fact, in kids with very low self-concept, those kinds of words can actually cause them to feel uncomfortable and distrust us! They do not match the child's deeply held beliefs about herself, so they sound inauthentic, false, manipulative, and upsetting.

I won't go into a whole bunch of details today, but in the Parenting with Love and Logic book, Foster Cline and Jim Fay describe what they call the "three-legged table" of self-concept. They think that three important implied messages our kids get from us are what create a strong sense of self in them.

The three messages are:
1. I am loved unconditionally by the important people in my life.
2. I have the skills I need to make it.
3. I am capable of taking control of my life.

The Love and Logic folks firmly believe that positive self-esteem comes from accomplishment, and that kids get the most out of what they accomplish for themselves... even if it isn't "right" or perfect the first time they try.

Like I said, I will try to keep my thoughts pretty brief, since obviously this is a topic that could go on for pages! If you are interested in hearing more about self-esteem, just let me know and I will do another post or two to follow- up on this one. In the meantime, I'll leave you with an email I got recently from the Love and Logic listserve.

Shaping Self-Concept, one of our most popular audios, teaches a very special type of love. It's the type that allows our kids to struggle…lets them work through their trials…and guides them toward independence instead of insecurity.

This love can be expressed daily by:

• Allowing kids to wrestle with tying their shoes…instead of automatically jumping in and doing it for them.
• Letting them dress themselves…even if the clothes they choose don't match.
• Teaching them how to talk to their teachers about problems at school…rather than always doing it for them.
• Expecting that they speak up and order meals for themselves…instead of ordering for them.
• Having them call the insurance company and arrange for their own car insurance…instead of doing it all for them.
• Letting them do most of the work required to fill out their college applications…rather than preparing all of the paperwork for them.

Remembering that the more things they learn to do for themselves, the stronger and more confident they will become!

In Shaping Self-Concept you'll hear even more tips for helping your kids develop the type of unselfish and humble confidence required to enjoy success in life. You'll also hear how this confidence dramatically increases a child's motivation to do well in school.

Isn't it ironic that our kids have to face some tough times in order to live confident, joyful lives?

Dr. Charles Fay

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here!

Playing Games Builds the Brain!

I noticed this article over the summer and saved it to share with y'all here! It is about how playing typical childhood games (like Red Light Green Light or Simon Says) strengthens the "executive functions" of children's brains.

The executive functions are super important for learning and success in life. They are a group of several different overlapping brain skills that control when and how we organize, prioritize, sequence, and use information and feedback. Executive functions were once described to me as the "conductor" who is directing the "symphony" of various brain areas, skills, and tasks. Some examples of executive functions are time management, flexibility in thought/behavior/emotion, beginning and completing activities, self-correction/monitoring, goal-setting, problem-solving, and planning.

There is a lot of research and attention focused on the significance of executive functions lately. The article mentions that one recent study showed that "a child’s ability at age 4 to pay attention and complete a task... were the greatest predictors of whether he or she finished college by age 25." Whoa!

Anyway, the article says that play is one of the most cognitively stimulating things a child can do, and that the key to making games educational is to start with a simple game and add increasingly complicated rules.

From the article:“We tend to equate learning with the content of learning, with what information children have, rather than the how of learning,” says Ellen Galinsky, a child-development researcher and author of Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs. “But focusing on the how of learning, on executive functions, gives you the skills to learn new information, which is why they tend to be so predictive of long-term success."

If you'd like more information, you can find the whole article at the link below. If you'd like me to send home a few pages I can copy from a book I have about executive functions (called Tigers Too), just let me know!

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/08/23/simon-says-dont-use-flashcards/

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here!

Perfectionism & Underachieving

I received this email yesterday from the Love and Logic listserve, and thought it was pretty interesting. Dr. Fay starts off talking about gifted students who are underachievers, but really I think the 4 quick tips are relevant to many children struggling with perfectionism, difficulty making mistakes, or not wanting to try. I hope you find them helpful!

Do you know any gifted kids who are super capable but just will not apply themselves in school? Some take the path of least resistance by completing only the work they find simple and easy. Others simply shut down altogether.

The common denominator with many underachieving kids is deep-seated perfectionism. That's right! As strange as it may sound, many kids who do poorly in school desire to do perfectly in school. As they grow, they become more and more imprisoned by the belief that it's better to avoid trying than to appear less than perfect in any way.

Sadly, many of these perfect underachievers are misdiagnosed as lazy or uncaring. Actually, fear…rather than apathy…drives their poor performance.

In my book, From Bad Grades to a Great Life!, I teach a variety of strategies for helping perfectionists gain the courage to achieve. Listed below are some quick hints:

Model learning from making mistakes. Kids need to see us trying new things, making mistakes, learning from these mistakes, and trying again.

Love your children for who they are. When humans feel loved and accepted for who they are, they're more likely to take the healthy risks required to become all they can be.

Respond to their mistakes with empathy…rather than anger. Obviously, it's best to avoid flying off the handle when they blow it. Remember: Empathy opens the heart and the mind to learning.

Focus on effort rather than IQ. Parents who constantly praise, "You are so smart!" often raise kids who avoid trying anything that they can't complete perfectly.

Perfectionism can be a curse. If you suffer from it, intentionally mess up at least once per week. That's right. Pick something small and mess it up. Then see if the earth stops spinning around the sun. Being a recovering perfectionist, it's been comforting to see that life goes on even when I make a mistake!

Dr. Charles Fay
Love and Logic

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here!

Mother-Son Relationships

I posted a couple of weeks ago about books on raising boys, and then happened to come across this article a few days ago! It is about how research has shown that a close bond between mothers and sons seems to result in several positive outcomes for the boys. I pasted the best paragraphs of the article below.

Research shows that boys suffer when they separate prematurely from their mothers and benefit from closeness in myriad ways throughout their lives.


A study published in Child Development involving almost 6,000 children, age 12 and younger, found that boys who were insecurely attached to their mothers acted more aggressive and hostile later in childhood—kicking and hitting others, yelling, disobeying adults and being generally destructive.


A study of more than 400 middle school boys revealed that sons who were close to their mothers were less likely to define masculinity as being physically tough, stoic and self-reliant. They not only remained more emotionally open, forming stronger friendships, but they also were less depressed and anxious than their more macho classmates. And they were getting better grades.


There is evidence that a strong mother-son bond prevents delinquency in adolescence. And though it has been long established that teenagers who have good communication with their parents are more likely to resist negative peer pressure, new research shows that it is a boy's mother who is the most influential when it comes to risky behavior, not only with alcohol and drugs but also in preventing both early and unprotected sex.

If you'd like to read the whole article, you can find it here:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203960804577241610532233188.html?mod=googlenews_wsj

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here!

Ideas from French Parents

I saw this newspaper article this morning about some of the differences between French and American parenting styles, and thought it was really interesting. Now, please don't think that I have any illusion that parents in France are "superior" to us! I am 100% red-blooded American and very proud of our country and our families. I definitely am not suggesting that one parenting style is better and the other is worse. :) Instead, I share this with you in case pieces of some of the different perpectives, styles, and techniques described in this story might possibly be useful to you or fit your style, or just as an interesting read about how people in other parts of the world view discipline and children. For example, the article mentions that French parents tend to teach patience and the ability to entertain oneself from a very young age, just as parts of everyday life. It also talks about saying "no" authoritatively and with conviction instead of shouting. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

If the link above doesn't work, here is the full web address of the article:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204740904577196931457473816.html

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here!

Books on Raising Boys

Sometimes I am struck by things I see in the media. Well, okay, really that happens more than just sometimes. :) 

But, the other day, overhearing a TV show my husband was watching, it occurred to me how backwards our society can be when it comes to our view of males. In this particular case, men were riduculing other men for actions that sounded to me like basic courtesy toward important people in their lives, or turning to the unconditional love of their family in times of disappointment. Other times, I hear men in the media talking about actions like angry rages, violence, disrespectful words, and blatantly uncaring or hurtful actions as thought they are commonplace or even acceptable. You would think it was a nation-wide "backwards day" all the time!

Of course I know that it is a tough world, and we want to raise our children to be strong so they can cope with it. But, there is a difference between being strong and being scary/disrespectful. And sometimes being tough means having the courage, character, confidence, and internal strength to do what you know is right even when the rest of society thinks it is something to ridicule. I certainly realize that I may be more sensitive to this being a female with a counseling degree who works with kids, but it seems to me that we should be trying to encourage a higher standard (perhaps thinking about the kinds of males we'd like our sisters or daughters to marry). I personally will always prefer to see a man cry instead of punching or cursing someone.

Anyway, I truly am not writing this to sound preachy or soapboxy, and I hope I haven't offended anyone! What I really wanted to tell you is that if you are looking for guidance on raising boys in a way that balances masculinity and emotional well-being, I can recommend two books on the subject: Raising Cain by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, and Real Boys by William Pollack. It's been a while since I read them, but I remember really enjoying both.

For a similar book on raising girls to be strong and confident, I believe Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher is one of the titles most often mentioned. I have not yet read it myself so I cannot vouch for it, and I believe it focuses mainly on adolescents, but it seems to be well-respected. If you know of any other similar books focused on girls, please let me know! I may not be up-to-date on that literature!

Thank you for reading! We are glad you are here!

Ask Questions to Create Thinking

Don't forget about the expert panel on ADHD at the university tonight! It is from 7:00-8:00 at the Bryant Conference Center on campus. If you'd like more information, you can find it here: http://training.ua.edu/adhd/adhd-agenda.html

We've finished our coping skills lessons in second grade, and I think the word scramble game was enjoyed by all! Today I start Safe Child lessons in first grade. If you are a first grade parent, I sent a letter home to you right after winter break with details about those lessons. If you didn't receive it or would like more information, please let me know!

And lastly, here's another blurb from the Love & Logic people. It is about helping kids become good thinkers by asking more questions and giving fewer commands. I don't know about you, but I often notice kids here at school who seem perfectly content to let me do all the talking and thinking when they have done something wrong! They know that if they just wait it out, I'll stop correcting them eventually and they will be on their merry way, just having been inconvenienced by a few minutes of babbling. They have quite a surprised look on their faces when I ask them a question, and indicate that I will wait for their response instead of just continuing to talk, no matter how long it takes them to come up with one. I don't have data on whether or not it cuts down on the wrongdoing, but I do feel good that the gears in their brains are turning and thinking is being done! (Just to be clear, I am referring here to issues like running in the hall, not serious concerns that your children need coaching or support to address. :))

At Love and Logic® we believe that kids are best prepared for the real world when we allow them to do as much thinking as possible. It's good practice for the real world, and it keeps the monkey off of our backs most of the time.

Here's the problem. Do you know kids who like to keep adults doing all of the thinking? Do you know kids who are good at tricking us into doing so?

How do we avoid falling into this trap? One strategy involves using plenty of questions!

The more questions we ask, the better thinkers our kids will become.

People who understand Love and Logic also understand that the human brain seeks closure. When we use plenty of questions, children's brains are so busy searching for closure that they have less energy left over for power-struggles.

The more questions we ask, the fewer power-struggles we will have.

Kids grow the healthiest and strongest brains when they're fortunate to spend time around adults who say things like:


"I don't know. What do you think?"


"Are you sure that's the best idea?"


"How do you think that's going to work out for you?"


"Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried?"


"Do you think that's going to work out well or ________?"


"What do you think you are going to do?"


"Which one of these is the best solution to your problem?"


"Do you have enough money to pay for any possible damage?"


"Is that a wise decision?"


Perhaps the quickest way to start giving children the gift of good thinking skills is to get into the habit of asking instead of telling.

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here.
Sharon

Families May Shape Bullies

I went to a workshop on bullying before the winter break, and it was very informative and also somewhat alarming. It is amazing how technology and societal factors have expanded the ways kids can pick on each other!

Bullying is when a child with more power intentionally hurts a child with less power over and over again. Bullying can be:

• physical (hitting, kicking, punching, etc)
• verbal (teasing, name-calling, etc)
• nonverbal or emotional (intimidation through gestures, social exclusion, or harming the victim's relationships)
• cyber (sending insulting or intimidating messages by email, test message, or other electronic means)

I know there is a lot of information out there about how to help your child if he or she is the victim of bullying, but some of the more surprising information from the workshop was about the bullies themselves. Some pieces of information that I thought I'd pass onto y'all today are the family factors that make it more likely that a child will become a bully. Children who bully are more likely than their non-bullying peers to live in homes where there is:

• A lack of warmth and involvement on the part of the parents
• Overly-permissive parenting (including a lack of limits for children's behavior)
• A lack of supervision by parents
• Harsh, physical discipline
• A model for bullying behavior (for example, the child knows that one or both parents hurt other people's bodies, feelings, property, or relationships, or attempt to get what they want by manipulation, force, cruelty, or violence)

Why should parents be worried that their child might become a bully? One reason is that it makes other antisocial or violent behaviors more likely, which can end up creating big problems for parents in the future with the police, peers, school, jobs, or the child's own safety. Youth who bully their peers frequently are more likely to:

• Get into frequent fights
• Be injured in a fight
• Vandalize property
• Steal property
• Drink alcohol
• Smoke
• Be truant from school
• Drop out of school
• Carry a weapon
• Have more than one criminal conviction by the age of 24

If you think your child may be bullying others, there is much you can do!

• Make it clear to your child that you take bullying seriously and will not tolerate this behavior.
• Develop clear and consistent rules within your family for your child's behavior. Praise and reinforce your child for following rules and use non-physical, non-hostile consequences for rule violations.
• Spend more time with your child and carefully supervise and monitor his or her activities. Find out who your child's friends are and how and where they spend their free time.
• Build on your child's talents by encouraging him or her to get involved in prosocial activities (such as clubs, music lesson, non-violent sports, etc)
• Share your concerns with your child's teacher, counselor, or principal. Work together to send clear messages to your child that his or her bullying must stop.
• If you or your child need additional help, talk with a school counselor or mental health professional in the community.

The above information is from www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov. They have more resources at their website if you'd like!

Some of the information we received at the workshop dealt with cyberbullying, which is bullying that takes place on a computer, cell phone, or other electronic device. I won't share much of that information here because I know that is probably not an issue for most of our young TPS students. Of course, if you would like me to send information home to you about cyberbullying, please let me know anytime!

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here!

The Advantages of Arguing

Welcome back! I hope you and your families had a festive and restful winter break and enjoyed the time away from school.

I heard this story on the radio yesterday. The research is about teens, but it seems to me that you'd start laying this foundation much earlier in life.

The basic idea is that teens who argued with their parents were 40% more likely to resist peer pressure to drink alcohol or do drugs. "Child psychologist Richard Weissbourd says the findings bolster earlier research that finds that 'parents who really respect their kids' thinking and their kids' input are much more likely to have kids who end up being independent thinkers and who are able to resist peer groups.'"

"Almost all parents and teenagers argue. But it's the quality of the arguments that makes all the difference. 'We tell parents to think of those arguments not as nuisance but as a critical training ground,' the researcher, Joseph Allen, says. Such arguments, he says, are actually mini life lessons in how to disagree — a necessary skill later on in life with partners, friends and colleagues on the job."

However, not all arguments are created equal, of course. "Teens should be rewarded when arguing calmly and persuasively and not when they indulge in yelling, whining, threats or insults, he says."

You can read the whole story here if you'd like: http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/01/03/144495483/why-a-teen-who-talks-back-may-have-a-bright-future?ps=cprs

If you are interested in reading more about raising independent, responsible thinkers, two books you might like are Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, and Kids Are Worth It! by Barbara Coloroso. In short, those authors believe that parents should absolutely set the rules and take an authoritative role in the home, but if we go too far and teach kids to obey us without question, input, or thinking, we may find that when they are teenagers they stop listening to us altogether and start listening to their peers the way we taught them: without question, input, or thinking. Yikes!

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here!

Kids and Video Games

I know, I know, you are all going to hate me for posting this! It is almost Christmas! And kids love video games! But, I got this from that Love and Logic listserve I am on, and I thought I'd share it as a perspective to consider for those who are interested.

"My typically nice and responsible kid turns into a monster after he plays his computer games."

If you've noticed this same thing with your kids, you're not alone. Listed below are some thoughts about why this is so common, as well as actions we can take to protect our kids:

Understand that Electronic Games can be Extremely Addictive
Since most of these games operate according to variable schedules of reinforcement (the user cannot entirely predict when something exciting will happen) our kids get hooked into thinking that they have to play "just a little bit longer" each time.

Even educational games present these risks. To grab the attention of the learner, our kids' favorite games are highly entertaining…and stimulating. Is it any wonder that kids who spend too much time glued to these games find everything else boring? Real life is always a downer when you're hooked on electronic uppers.

The symptoms of withdrawal also indicate the addictive nature of these games: Irritability, extreme moodiness, and attempts to get a "fix" even if it requires manipulating and mistreating those who love you the most.

Set Enforceable Limits
Children under 5 should spend almost no time playing video games, computer games, or watching television. Again, this also applies to educational games and shows. Older children shouldn't spend more that 15-30 minutes per day engaged in these activities. Wise parents set the following limit:

"I allow video games, computer games, or TV in our home only when they are causing no problems."

Wise parents don't hesitate to remove these items from the home when "problems" begin. For more tips, listen to our MP3 download, Taming the Technology Monster in Your Home (at Love and Logic's website).

Replace Electronic Screens with Loving Relationships
Kids don't miss their computers and TVs near as much when they have parents who spend plenty of time with them playing catch, riding bikes, sledding, and doing other sorts of good old-fashioned things that build relationships.

Dr. Charles Fay

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here!

Signs of Dyslexia

Did you know Walt Disney, Thomas Edison, Leonardo da Vinci, Cher, Steve Jobs, Anderson Cooper, Albert Einstein, Charles Schwab, John Chambers, and John Lennon were all dyslexic? Those are just a few of the interesting names I found on the website below, and a few others.

A TPS parent introduced me to The Power of Dyslexia site. It looks like it is an organization dedicated to serving the dyslexic community by providing a free online community where dyslexics and those touched by dyslexia can post questions, provide advice, and chat with other community members. I didn't look at the forums, but the website contained several pages of clear, helpful information.

I know many people have heard the term "dyslexia" before, but are not sure what all it entails, or know a few symptoms but not the full extent of the disorder. So, in case you're wondering, here is a list of some of the signs that The Power of Dyslexia identifies for kids ages 4-12. For more information, check out the website at http://www.thepowerofdyslexia.com/.

Signs of Dyslexia in Pre-school Children (between 4 to 5 years of age)

• Constant switching from left to right hand when drawing, coloring or writing
• Inability to tie shoe laces
• Difficulty in pronouncing words that have three or more syllables
• Difficulty in uttering words that rhyme
• Difficulty in learning to write
• Problem in pronouncing ‘M’, ‘N’, ‘R’ and ‘L’
• Stuttering

Signs of Dyslexia in Elementary and Middle School Children (between 6 to 12 years of age)

• Weak in spelling and handwriting abilities
• Slow, disrupted reading and commit similar mistakes every time
• Difficulty in telling the time
• Struggles with math problems or concepts
• Find it difficult to find the right words when expressing themselves
• Mispronunciation of common words
• Untidy lockers, bedrooms and bags
• Difficulty in remembering telephone numbers or a series of numbers

The preceding information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor or a psychologist.

New Scientific Research on Tantrums

I heard a news story about scientists conducting research on tantrums on the radio this morning, and it was pretty interesting. If you follow this link, you can read or listen to the story:

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/12/05/143062378/whats-behind-a-temper-tantrum-scientists-deconstruct-the-screams

Here's an excerpt with some of the main ideas from the story:

"The trick in getting a tantrum to end as soon as possible... was to get the child past the peaks of anger. Once the child was past being angry, what was left was sadness, and sad children reach out for comfort. The quickest way past the anger, the scientists said, was to do nothing. Of course, that isn't easy for parents or caregivers to do...

Even asking questions can prolong the anger — and the tantrum... 'You know, when children are at the peak of anger and they're screaming and they're kicking, probably asking questions might prolong that period of anger,' said Green. 'It's difficult for them to process information. And to respond to a question that the parent is asking them may be just adding more information into the system than they can really cope with.'"

There are also a couple of humorous scenarios in the story. Well, humorous or impossibly frustrating, depending on how you look at it. :) For example, one small child threw a tantrum because she wanted to sit at the head or corner of the dinner table. The only problem was that her family's table has NO corners; it is round! :)

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here.

Kids Enjoying Chores... Too Good to be True?

Well, this may be too good to be true, but I thought I'd pass it on since it is an interesting idea: if we strive to have a positive attitude regarding chores, learning, and parenting, we make it more likely that our kids will enjoy these things and have positive feelings toward them... and us! This is a copy of information I received from Dr. Charles Fay on the Love & Logic email list.

I love the smell of burnt toast! That aroma…coupled with the odor of overcooked coffee…always leaves a warm feeling in my heart.

I once met a woman who loved the sound of trains. In fact, she loved this sound so much that she purchased a house near the tracks…so that she could experience the bone-rattling rumbles and blaring horns 24 hours a day.

Like this woman, I learned to love something because of the unconscious associations I developed through my experience as a child. Every time I went to my loving grandparents' home, my grandmother managed to burn the toast…and burn the coffee. This woman had a similar experience. Her loving grandmother lived…you guessed it…next to the train tracks.

The power of positive feelings is immense! When our kids experience love and joy coupled with chores…they associate doing chores with positive feelings.

When they experience warmth and affection coupled with learning…they come to associate academics with positive feelings.

When they feel our joy as we parent or educate them, they’re far more likely to live a life filled with excitement and motivation instead of apprehension and apathy.

Sometimes I get shortsighted. Sometimes I forget all of this. Sometimes I allow myself to get cross and short and impatient, thinking that somehow my negativity will inspire my kids to cheerfully learn and complete their daily duties. I forget all of this when I don’t take good care of myself.

Kids don't remember all of the things we try to teach them, but they will always remember how they felt when they were around us. Take great care of yourself so that you can give them the gift of loving learning, loving responsibility, and loving themselves.

Motivating Kids to Try

The following is from Dr. Charles Fay at the Love and Logic Institute. I thought some of you might find it interesting, especially after last week’s article on kids succeeding more when they are praised for their effort rather than being smart.

Has someone ever said to you, "Just try it, it's easy!" and then you found out the task they coaxed you into trying was painfully difficult? Did this leave you feeling exceptionally capable or downright stupid… and embarrassed?

 When this happens to the average adult, it doesn't take long for them to conclude two things:

• This person who's trying to help me is nuts…and definitely not to be trusted!

• Why should I try if I can't even handle the easy stuff?

Quite frequently I overhear well-meaning parents and educators using the "Just try it, it's easy!" approach in an attempt to urge a reluctant child into trying something they're afraid of. When the child finds the task easy, all is right with the world. When they don't, they're confronted with the pain of seeing that they might be so slow that they can't even do something really, really "easy"!

How often does this need to happen before our kids lose faith in our word? How often does this have to happen before our children lose faith in their own abilities? Are you willing to take this sort of risk with your kids?

In my book, From Bad Grades to a Great Life!, I teach a far safer approach. Experiment with asking your child: “A lot of kids find this kind of challenging. Would you try this and let me know what you think?”

If you hear, "It's too hard. I can't do it," smile, pat them on the back and ask: “Aren't you glad I don't believe that?”

"Aren't you glad I don't believe that?" represents an exceptionally powerful way of communicating to your children that they have what it takes to succeed. Delivered in question format its effectiveness becomes supercharged. Remember: Questions create thinking. Statements create resistance.

You may also experiment with asking another question: Aren't you glad that I'm going to love you the same even if you have to work really hard to figure this out?

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here! Happy Thanksgiving!

Article About Learning From Mistakes

My brother shared this interesting article with me about how to encourage kids to learn from their mistakes. One of the ideas that really jumped out at me is that kids who were praised for their efforts were more successful than kids who were praised for being smart. From what I see in kids here at school, it seems like this could apply to so many areas of life, from academics to career preparedness, sports, hobbies, etc. Thought some of you might be interested! Here is a quote from the article:

"One group was routinely praised for 'being smart.' They tended to slip into a fixed mindset, assuming that mistakes were a sign of stupidity, that there was nothing redeeming about failure.

By contrast, students praised for their effort tended to pursue a growth model of learning. (Teaching kids about neural plasticity—how the brain changes in response to experience—can also induce this mindset.) They were much less scared of making mistakes and routinely transformed failure into success.

On a standardized test, those praised for effort scored 30% higher after a few months, while the children praised for their smarts saw their scores drop nearly 20%. The wrong mindset had made them regress.

The psychologist David Nussbaum has shown that whether we tend to learn from mistakes or brush them aside, the response is rooted in repairing our self-esteem. Failure is never fun, but success requires that we learn to fight through our frustration and find the upside of error."

SpongeBob SquarePants In The News

One of the news websites I like to click on every few days is the health blog, "Well," on the New York Times website. Imagine my surprise when SpongeBob SquarePants popped up on there!

In brief, researchers found that 4-year-olds who had watched 9 minutes of SpongeBob did significantly worse on tests of working memory, problem-solving, and attention than children who had watched the slower-paced, more educational TV program Caillou, and children who had spent the 9 minutes drawing without television. The children who watched the cartoon were operating at half the capacity shown in the other two groups of children.

The tests were designed to assess the children's executive functioning, which is a big buzzword in education and psychology lately. Executive functions are brain skills that allow us to do things like manage time, organize tasks and things, prioritize what is most important, plan and adjust the plan as needed, set goals, create solutions to problems, be flexible, initiate and carry out tasks, self-monitor, and use feedback or corrections. You can see how these skills would be very important in learning, work, and social situations throughout life! I have heard executive function described before as the "conductor" if we think of all the other parts of the brain as an orchestra requiring someone to tell them when to start, play their parts, finish, and change course when necessary.

This effect does not happen only with SpongeBob. Similar outcomes have been demonstrated with other shows in which lots of things happen in fast succession, and lots of things happen that cannot take place in real life, such as "the bed catapults you out and you land in a lake wearing an astronaut costume."

Of course imagination and creativity are important, and can and should be developed in children. But these scientists wonder if  "the fast-paced fantastical sequences of some programs might actually prime the early childhood brain to 'not be able to pay attention to something that is not so fantastic.'" The random and unpredictable nature of the cartoon appeared to be more likely to "disrupt the ability to focus rather than strengthen it.” For more ideas on how to stimulate your child's imagination and creativity, you may want to click over to my post from last year on "boredom training sessions."

Here is a link to the whole article, where you can read more about the details of the study and some of the criticisms of it. Of course, this is just one study with one group of children, and we all know that we don't live in a bubble and there are lots of other things going on in our modern world! But, at least for me, this article brought up some interesting ideas to think about and consider.

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here!

It's a book. No wires required.

This little slogan was on a poster I saw in a bookstore over the weekend. I thought it was cute, and that it might be be a nice reminder for many of us living in today's technological world. Hope you get a kick out of it too!

Thanks for reading! We are glad you're here!

ADHD "Ask the Experts" Forum

For anyone who is interested, there is a forum on ADHD on Monday evening at the University of Alabama. The forum is free and open to the public, and it brings together a panel of experts on Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. I went last year, and found it very informative. It was a question and answer session, so you can feel free to bring any questions you have, or just listen to the discussion! It is on Monday, October 18, from 6:45 to 8:00pm, in the Sellers Auditorium, which is part of the Bryant Conference Center at UA. More information can be found at http://adhd.ua.edu/agenda.html- then click on "view the agenda" and scroll down. Maybe I'll see some of you there!

Better behavior may be as easy as more SLEEP!

Did you know that an average child ages 6-12 needs 10-11 hours of sleep in each 24-hour period, and those ages 3-5 need 12 hours of sleep in every 24 hours? I did not, until I recently read Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It was an incredibly interesting book about children's sleep needs and the connection between challenging behavior and lack of sleep. The most surprising part of the book for me was that we often do not realize children are overtired because they fight bedtimes and naps, though they are desperate for sleep!

According to the book, running on a sleep deficit can contribute to numerous challenging behaviors for children, including "losing it" over little things, hyperactivity, wildness at bedtime, separation anxiety, losing focus, wandering between activities, not being open to your guidance, being bossy or demanding, hitting, throwing things, shouting, rule-breaking, becoming easily frustrated, seeking stimulation to keep going (teasing and fighting with siblings, wanting to watch TV, etc.), anxiety, frequent stomach or headaches, complaining that nothing is right no matter what you offer, clumsiness, craving carbohydrates or sugar, talking excessively, not listening, forgetfulness, disrupting others, feelings being easily hurt, struggling to make decisions, and not being patient. 

Whew! I know, it seems like a huge list of average childhood issues, not just the effects of missing sleep! But, the author presented both research and the personal experiences of many families to make the case that even if sleep is not the sole cause of such concerns, it certainly can play a major role in them.

Basically, the idea is that our children are often in the "red zone," a state of "tense energy." This means that the child is tired but full of tension- thoughts swirling, heart racing, and stress hormones fighting to keep the body alert and awake. A child in the red zone may eventually crash into poor-quality sleep, but that usually still leaves him or her overtired with many of the issues listed above. We want our kids to be in the "green zone" of "calm energy," where they are energized, engaged, and active, get tired in a calm and peaceful way, and ease into sleep when we time their bedtimes with their natural "windows" for sleeping so they can get the correct amount of high-quality restorative sleep. Interestingly, if we miss our children's natural 10-15 minute "window" for falling asleep, they can zoom into a state of alert for 45-90 more minutes before they'll hit another "window" where they can fall asleep again! I had no idea, but doesn't that make perfect sense when you think of kids running wild and melting down at bedtime and fighting to stay away from their beds at all costs?!

There are many triggers that can send kids into the red zone, but the most common are the Three T's:

• Tension generated by emotions (especially distress and excitement) related to changes, separations, overscheduling, overstimulation, life events, and even natural changes and milestones in your child's growth and development.
• Time: your child's "body clock" may be upset by the daily routine (or lack of routine) including exercise, mealtimes, caffeine and chocolate, time restrained in car seats or high chairs, TV and computer "screen time," etc.
• Temperament: your child's individual genetic "wiring" that may make him or her a more sensitive sleeper

One of the main things that helps calm kids is connection and bonding with parents and caregivers, which releases hormones to counter stress. The book gives a wealth of other suggestions for avoiding the triggers that can interfere with sleep, analyzing how much sleep your children need, taming children's tension, creating a convenient sleep routine, and finding workable ways to meet your children's (and your own!) sleep needs throughout the day, not just at night. It stresses that there is no one "right way" and that different families can meet their sleep needs differently. 

Unfortunately our public library does not have a copy of Sleepless in America, but it is available on amazon.com for about $10. Or, let me know if you'd like to borrow my copy for a week or so.