Discipline Troubleshooting

I received the following email yesterday on the Love & Logic listserve. Although it is specific to the Love & Logic method of discipline, I figured I would share it because some of the troubleshooting ideas are applicable to most any discipline/parenting approach. I particularly like #4, about looking at the relationship between parent and child. The more I read about teaching and parenting, the more I believe that connection and unconditional caring are the foundation we must build before any teaching or parenting can truly be effective. Oftentimes a little extra one-on-one undivided attention or unconditional positive regard will heal behavior problems from the inside out!

Have you ever been in a spot with your kids when you felt like Love and Logic just wasn't working? I have! In fact, there have been times when my wife and I have joked that Love and Logic only works on other peoples' kids. Listed below are six questions to ask ourselves when this begins to happen:

1. Am I using too many words as I implement the technique? The more words we use when a child is upset or acting out, the less effective we become.

2. Am I displaying anger or frustration? Anger and frustration feed misbehavior.

3. Am I giving too many warnings before consequences…or lecturing too much afterward? The more we warn kids about consequences, the less they seem to care about them when they finally come. Also, after the children experience consequences, resist the urge to rub salt in the wound by lecturing them about what they should have learned.

4. Has our relationship gone down hill? If consequences don't seem to be working, it might be due to a lack of positive connection between you and the child. Experiment with using the One-Sentence Intervention found in our book, Teaching with Love and Logic. (This is a great resource for parents, too!) (Note from Sharon: if you'd like to know more about the One-Sentence Intervention, just ask me anytime! I can discuss it with you or send home information on it. The basic idea is promoting connection between you and your child and paying special, nonjudgmental attention to them.)

5. Does this child - or do we, as parents - need professional help? If there are deeper problems driving the misbehavior, it's likely that few things will really work until these issues are dealt with.

6. Is this a temporary phase? Yep! Sometimes kids act out because they are kids, and their little neurons are still developing. Hang in there and see if a little time does the trick.