Attending

Recently I read Parenting the Strong-Willed Child by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long. It was recommended to me by a psychologist in our area, and I am so glad that he told me about it! It was a sensible, uncomplicated, easy-to-understand guide for parents of "strong-willed" children ages 2-6. I think many of the ideas could work well with older children and children who are not particularly strong-willed as well. One idea that caught my eye right at the beginning of the book was this concept of "attending." I thought I'd share it here as another tool to have in your parental toolbox and keep in the back of your mind!

The basic idea is that we often interact with children by asking questions and giving directions. For example, we say "We don't have a lot of time, so decide what you want to play now." Or, "Move those blocks over here so we can play with them away from the fish tank." Or, "Do you think you can make a castle like the one in the picture?" There is nothing wrong with directives and questions- obviously all parents and adults must use them in our interactions with kids! But, if most of our interactions with kids (even during fun, easygoing, quality time) are dominated by questions and directions, over time kids might start tuning us out. Then of course we give more questions and directives, and suddenly we're in a cycle that is not getting us compliance or a strong positive relationship.

So, what is the alternative? The authors call it "attending," and say that it lays the groundwork for a more positive relationship between you and your children because it focuses on their appropriate behavior, conveys interest in them and what they are doing, shows approval of their choices, and even teaches them how to play with others. Attending either means comments describing what the child is doing with positive emotion and enthusiasm, or imitating what the child is doing. So for example, if the child starts stacking blocks, you might start stacking blocks too (imitating), or you might say "You're stacking the blocks high!" Or, "You put the red one on top of the blue one!" I know, I know, it sounds a little silly. But comments like that can often open up a real conversation more easily than questions. For example, you say "You're putting the brown blocks in a circle!" and your child responds, "Yes, those will be the moat of the castle. There are alligators in there, and the king and the knights...." You do not only have to attend during playtime, it could also be while you're together at the grocery store, bathtime, in the car, etc.

As I read the examples and thought about how I interact with kids in my office, I realized that I use a lot more directives and questions than I thought! So, I figured I would share this in case it sparks a similar "Aha!" moment for you. If you'd like more information, please let me know. If you give it a try, I hope it leads to some nice positive interactions for you and your children!

Thanks for reading! We're glad you are here!