Alternatives to Saying "No"

When I got the email below from the Love and Logic listserve the other day, I realized that I hadn't posted about this since the very early days of this blog, and even then only as a smaller part of a larger post! It is a simple idea that can be implemented immediately and really requires no special skills or materials. I'm sure we can all use more of those in our parenting toolboxes!

The idea is that kids get tired of hearing "no," we get tired of saying no, and oftentimes we say no automatically when we really might have meant "maybe," "let me think about it," or "not now." If we save our no's for when we really mean it, then they are more powerful, and we can teach kids that "no means no."

So, here are some alternatives to break out of the "no" rut, to make your real no's more powerful, and to say what you truly mean. I hope some of them will appeal to you!

My favorite is from a parenting book I read a while ago, but I can't remember which book it was. The strategy is saying yes with a qualifier instead of saying no. For example, let's say it is 4pm, and you are slaving over a hot, hearty, healthy dinner. Your sweet child sidles up to you in the kitchen:

Child: Best parent in the whole wide world, can I have a cookie?
Parent: Sure! Right after dinner.
Child: But I want a cookie!
Parent:  Yes, you can have one after we eat dinner.

Sure, you are basically saying the same thing, but that is two less "no's" that the child had to hear that day, and you get to smile and say "Yes!" instead of frowning and saying no. Plus you're saying what you really mean: "yes, later" instead of "no."

The next alternative is from Alfie Kohn's book Unconditional Parenting (an interesting and pretty progressive book), and he simply says that we should be mindful of automatically saying no to things without a good reason. Of course limits are appropriate, we are the authority in the family, and kids cannot do whatever they want. But so often the "no" comes out of our mouths before we think about the request, or just because it would create a little extra trouble for us. For example, if your child asks to build a fort in the family room with the sheets you just washed, your first thought may be "NO!" But, if you consider it, maybe you don't have company coming over in 5 minutes, and you could wash the sheets or run them through the dryer to freshen them up again (maybe the child could even help with this), and hey... why not? You'll probably wish they were building forts in the family room when they are sulky teenagers listening to angry music in their bedrooms in a few years! :)

Below is the email I received from Love & Logic the other day with a few more options. I'm not as crazy about some of these, but maybe they'll fit your style, or work well with older kids. They definitely encourage more thinking, which is a good thing for kids! Saying "no" doesn't require them to do much thinking or learning on their part.

Give a choice and imply consequences: "Gee, I don't think that is a very good decision and I'm pretty sure it might work out poorly for you."

Suggest an alternative behavior without ordering it: "I think that if I were in your shoes, I would probably change my tone of voice rather than being asked to leave."

Ask for illumination (respectfully and without sarcasm or anger): "I've always wondered about what leads kids to be obnoxious. Can you help me understand that?"

Give a direct question: "How do you think this is going to work out for you?"

Remember, Love and Logic has nothing against telling a kid "no." However, that means the response has not been clearly thought through. If we can say something that gets the kid to make his own decision, we are further ahead.

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here! Have a great Fall Break!