Perfectionism & Underachieving

I received this email yesterday from the Love and Logic listserve, and thought it was pretty interesting. Dr. Fay starts off talking about gifted students who are underachievers, but really I think the 4 quick tips are relevant to many children struggling with perfectionism, difficulty making mistakes, or not wanting to try. I hope you find them helpful!

Do you know any gifted kids who are super capable but just will not apply themselves in school? Some take the path of least resistance by completing only the work they find simple and easy. Others simply shut down altogether.

The common denominator with many underachieving kids is deep-seated perfectionism. That's right! As strange as it may sound, many kids who do poorly in school desire to do perfectly in school. As they grow, they become more and more imprisoned by the belief that it's better to avoid trying than to appear less than perfect in any way.

Sadly, many of these perfect underachievers are misdiagnosed as lazy or uncaring. Actually, fear…rather than apathy…drives their poor performance.

In my book, From Bad Grades to a Great Life!, I teach a variety of strategies for helping perfectionists gain the courage to achieve. Listed below are some quick hints:

Model learning from making mistakes. Kids need to see us trying new things, making mistakes, learning from these mistakes, and trying again.

Love your children for who they are. When humans feel loved and accepted for who they are, they're more likely to take the healthy risks required to become all they can be.

Respond to their mistakes with empathy…rather than anger. Obviously, it's best to avoid flying off the handle when they blow it. Remember: Empathy opens the heart and the mind to learning.

Focus on effort rather than IQ. Parents who constantly praise, "You are so smart!" often raise kids who avoid trying anything that they can't complete perfectly.

Perfectionism can be a curse. If you suffer from it, intentionally mess up at least once per week. That's right. Pick something small and mess it up. Then see if the earth stops spinning around the sun. Being a recovering perfectionist, it's been comforting to see that life goes on even when I make a mistake!

Dr. Charles Fay
Love and Logic

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