Building Self-Esteem

I was talking with a parent about self-esteem yesterday, and I thought it might be a valuable topic to post about here. Self-esteem is a big buzzword, and lots of experts have lots of different things to say about it!

One thing that I think has been counterintuitive for me is that praise and compliments do not build self-esteem. In fact, in kids with very low self-concept, those kinds of words can actually cause them to feel uncomfortable and distrust us! They do not match the child's deeply held beliefs about herself, so they sound inauthentic, false, manipulative, and upsetting.

I won't go into a whole bunch of details today, but in the Parenting with Love and Logic book, Foster Cline and Jim Fay describe what they call the "three-legged table" of self-concept. They think that three important implied messages our kids get from us are what create a strong sense of self in them.

The three messages are:
1. I am loved unconditionally by the important people in my life.
2. I have the skills I need to make it.
3. I am capable of taking control of my life.

The Love and Logic folks firmly believe that positive self-esteem comes from accomplishment, and that kids get the most out of what they accomplish for themselves... even if it isn't "right" or perfect the first time they try.

Like I said, I will try to keep my thoughts pretty brief, since obviously this is a topic that could go on for pages! If you are interested in hearing more about self-esteem, just let me know and I will do another post or two to follow- up on this one. In the meantime, I'll leave you with an email I got recently from the Love and Logic listserve.

Shaping Self-Concept, one of our most popular audios, teaches a very special type of love. It's the type that allows our kids to struggle…lets them work through their trials…and guides them toward independence instead of insecurity.

This love can be expressed daily by:

• Allowing kids to wrestle with tying their shoes…instead of automatically jumping in and doing it for them.
• Letting them dress themselves…even if the clothes they choose don't match.
• Teaching them how to talk to their teachers about problems at school…rather than always doing it for them.
• Expecting that they speak up and order meals for themselves…instead of ordering for them.
• Having them call the insurance company and arrange for their own car insurance…instead of doing it all for them.
• Letting them do most of the work required to fill out their college applications…rather than preparing all of the paperwork for them.

Remembering that the more things they learn to do for themselves, the stronger and more confident they will become!

In Shaping Self-Concept you'll hear even more tips for helping your kids develop the type of unselfish and humble confidence required to enjoy success in life. You'll also hear how this confidence dramatically increases a child's motivation to do well in school.

Isn't it ironic that our kids have to face some tough times in order to live confident, joyful lives?

Dr. Charles Fay

Thanks for reading! We are glad you are here!