Parenting Idea: Disciplining Without Rewards

Recently I've talked with a few parents and teachers who seem to be growing tired of rewards and punishments and wondering if there is another way to discipline children. Does that sound like you? If so, you might want to take a look at the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. This book offers an approach to parenting that is free of rewards, bribes, punishments, and artificial consequences, and instead relies on problem-solving, decision-making, connection, and relationship-building. Basically it outlines a way of "working with" children instead of "doing to" them. The author presents convincing research suggesting rewards and punishments may not be as effective as we think they are at helping us raise responsible, well-behaved children, and that they might even hinder us in doing so!

Now, let me say that if you prefer more of a traditional perspective on discipline, this is probably not the book for you. The author is pretty progressive. His goal is not to answer the question of "How do I get my child to do everything I say?" He would rather we ask "Why am I asking my child to do these things anyway?" or "What does my child need, and how can I meet those needs?" He challenges many conventional parenting ideas. However, he does make some interesting points, and many of his ideas are applicable to all of us who would like to build a stronger, more respectful parent-child relationship, even if we don't want to completely move away from consequences and rewards. And if punishments and rewards just don't seem to fit your personality or your family, this alternative plan might be worth looking at.

Kohn's "baker's dozen" of guiding principles are as follows:

• 1. Be reflective.  Be introspective. Think about what you're doing with your children and try to figure out what drives your parenting style.

• 2. Reconsider your requests. It is possible that we're asking kids to do things that are not necessary, reasonable, or age-appropriate, and that is why they're not complying with our demands. For example, we might think we need to find a way to make our kids eat their spinach, but perhaps first we should ask ourselves if that battle is worth fighting. If we feed them other vegetables and make healthy choices available, is it really necessary to demand that the spinach be eaten? Or, when I teach a lesson in a kindergarten classroom, students will definitely act up if I try to make them sit still and silent for 30 minutes- that is just not a reasonable expectation!
  

• 3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals. Think about what you want for your children in the future and the kind of people you want them to become. Reflect on whether or not your parenting strategies truly match those goals.

• 4. Put the relationship first. "There will be times when, in order to do the right thing, we have to put our foot down and cause our kids to become frustrated with us." But it is worth asking ourselves if there is an alternative way to solve a particular problem or address misbehavior that preserves the relationship between parent and child rather than straining it. If we work to build as much trust, safety, respect, quality time, and connection as possible into our relationships with our kids, misbehavior will be easier to address and problems will be easier to solve.

• 5. Change how you see, not just how you act. Try to see inappropriate actions as problems to be solved or "teachable moments" instead of infractions to be punished. We're more likely to be effective if we include the child in the process of solving the problem.

• 6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Kohn thinks that kids are more likely to respect others, including parents, if they feel respected themselves. This includes respecting their thoughts, feelings, needs etc., even when they sound unimportant to us. Kohn also brings up the point that we should be talking to and treating children the same way we do our spouse and other adults we think are important. If we would not use a sarcastic tone of voice or interrupt our spouse, why do so with our children?

• 7. Be authentic. Being genuine and real with our children builds the connection between us. When we make mistakes, we should admit it and apologize. It sets a powerful example. Of course, Kohn is not saying that we should act more like friends to our kids rather than parents, or tell them more details about life than they need to know.

• 8. Talk less, ask more. Some problems may be easily solved if we ask children questions and create a safe environment for them to respond openly. The best question are those that invite real thoughts and opinions, not just one right answer. We might find out that the root of a behavior problem is not disobedience, it is simply that the child sees the situation a different way. There may also be times when just offering quiet companionship or a hug is more effective than talking.

• 9. Keep their ages in mind. Make sure your expectations are realistic and reasonable for children's ages and developmental levels. 

• 10. Attribute to children the best possible motive, consistent with the facts. Try to understand children's actions instead of blaming or automatically assuming they had negative motives. If we don't have concrete evidence to the contrary, might try to assume there may be an innocent explanation for what just happened. Yes, deliberate acts need to addressed and it is extremely important that children be held accountable for their behavior. But we might as well start from a position of assuming the child was motivated by good values and giving them the benefit of the doubt until we have the facts to prove otherwise.

• 11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily. Imagine how many times your child hears "No!" each day! Pick your battles, and try to say yes whenever possible. This does not mean that children get everything they want or that there are no limits on behavior! It means that we say no when we have a good reason, and we try to say yes most of the time otherwise, even if it means a bit of inconvenience or trying something new. Sometimes I catch myself saying no automatically to things children ask for at school, and then realize that there was really no reason at all for me to deny them their request to, say, sit on the floor while working! Another option that I've seen in a different parenting book is to say yes with a condition if that can replace no. For example "Can I have a cookie?" Instead of "No, not until after dinner," you could say "Yes! Right after dinner." or "Can I make a tent city out of blankets in the living room?" "Sure, you can tomorrow because we're having guests for dinner tonight."

• 12. Don't be rigid. Predictability, structure, and consistency are definitely important for kids, but that doesn't mean that exceptions cannot be made once in a while in the name of flexibility, spontaneity, or one of a child's needs overriding another one.

• 13. Don't be in a hurry. Spending a little extra time now can save more time later. Many problems can be avoided entirely by having extra patience, taking extra time, altering the environment, or planning ahead.

Of course there are more examples, descriptions, and explanations in the book itself- this is really just a brief look at the author's ideas. Unconditional Parenting is available at the public library if you'd like to read more. If you have any feedback or ideas on the subject, please let me know!