Parenting Idea: Choices

Here's another parenting idea from the Love & Logic system: giving kids choices. The idea is that kids who feel like they have no control over their lives will figure out how to get some on their terms- with tantrums, dawdling, misbehaving, manipulation, etc. But, if we share the control, we get our share. We still set limits and retain control over the big things that parents can and should control, but we give our kids control over some of the other things. They feel like they have some control, so they'll spend less time fighting our requests and more time being cooperative and learning to think and make decisions. It is amazing how sometimes giving options can prevent battles, simply because the child is busy making choices instead of defying commands!

Here's how it works:

• Give only two options, both of which are OK with you.
• If the child doesn't decide in 10 seconds, you decide for him or her.
• Never give a choice on an issue that might cause a problem for you or anyone else, and never when the child is in danger.
• Never give a choice unless you are actually willing to allow the child to experience the consequences of that choice. You must be ready to follow-through on what you say!
• Phrase choices carefully. They must be real choices, not threats. You might start them with:
• "You're welcome to ___ or ___."
• "Feel free to ___ or ___."
• "Would you rather ___ or ___?"
• "What would be best for you: ___ or ___?"

Also, these choices are for use when things are going well, not for discipline situations when the child has already done something wrong and needs a consequence. Here are some examples:

• Would you rather wear your coat or carry it?
• Feel free to finish your dinner quietly or wait until breakfast to eat.
• You're welcome to have peas or carrots as your veggie tonight.
• What would be best for you: emptying the dishwasher now or in 5 minutes?
• Feel free to wear your jeans or leggings.
• Would you rather brush your teeth first or put on your pajamas first?
• Would you rather leave now or stay 5 more minutes?
• What would be best for you: picking up your toys yourself or hiring me to do it out of your allowance?
• You're welcome to clean your room now, or while SpongeBob is on.
• (If children are dawdling over their food) My car is leaving in 5 minutes. Feel free to leave with me hungry or not hungry. (Then resist the temptation to nag, remind or get angry! Just patiently wait 5 minutes. At the end of that time whatever food is left is pitched, the car is leaving the restaurant with everyone in it, and the children are living with the natural consequences of their choices. Try to remain calm and composed, like it is no problem for you, even if it is a big problem for them!)

More information on choices, how to follow them up with consequences, and the Love & Logic style of parenting is available in Parenting With Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. The local library has a copy!