Consequences

As promised, here are some ideas for non-physical consequences to follow up on the last post about the possible negative effects of spanking. I've taken these from various parenting books and hope that you'll find one or another to be effective for your children. If you have other ideas that work well for your family, please feel free to comment on this post so you can share them with other families!

1. Try to find a way for your child to right the wrong they've caused, or a consequence that is directly connected to their choices. These natural or logical "effects" help children learn why appropriate behavior is important and how their behavior affects others. For example, if I broke Susie's pencil maybe I have to earn the money to buy her a new one or give her one of mine. If I draw on the wall, I have to scrub it off. If I act up at the restaurant, I have to sit in the car while the family finishes their meal and I get a peanut butter sandwich when we get home. (Of course Mom or Dad could switch off sitting with the child in the car for safety- you probably will only have to do this once to convince the child that you are serious about acting appropriately in public!)

2. Lawrence Cohen, author of Playful Parenting, puts forth a unique idea: calling a "meeting on the couch." This involves parent and child meeting in a particular spot and taking time to reconnect or work out a solution to the problem. Cohen believes that most misbehavior is caused by a lack of connection, so taking the time to reconnect and offer love, guidance, and attention is more effective than traditional punishments and time-outs (which he says can further isolate an already-disconnected child). Cohen also likes the meeting idea because it takes the perspective of "we have a problem" instead of my child has a problem," and it is something parent and child do together instead of something that is done to the child.

3. Missing a favorite TV show or not being able to play video games for the day.

4. Extra chores around the house to replace the "energy drain" their behavior caused you.

5. Going to bed early.

6. Monetary "fine" or "tax." This could also mean that kids who misbehave at the grocery store use their allowance money to pay a baby-sitter the next time Mom has to go to the store, or that they have to earn money to replace something they ruined.

7. Loss of dessert, favorite snack, special privilege.

8. No playing outside or playing with friends.

9. Take away a bike/special toy for a day or longer. (This is a great one if you expect them to pick up their toys, but you end up doing it. You can put the toys you clean up "away" until they earn back the privilege of having access to them by cleaning up their messes. You will probably only have to do this once or twice before they get the message that kids who clean up their toys get to keep their toys.)

10. "Time Out-" sitting in an isolated place, away from the family, with no attention or interaction for a certain amount of time. The minimum amount of time is generally one minute for every year of the child's age (six minutes for a six-year-old) but you can go up to 10-15 minutes if that time does not seem effective. The minutes only count as long as the child is sitting calmly and quietly (not trying to get your attention or throwing a fit.) An alternative to this is not to time and instead tell them they are welcome to rejoin the family as soon as they are ready to be sweet or act appropriately.

General Ideas:

Consequences should be given in a calm, non-angry, matter-of-fact voice. If you get angry and emotional, kids focus on you instead of what they did wrong. That can even encourage misbehavior because kids may feel powerful when they get you so upset!

Consistency is really important. If kids get away with misbehavior once in a while, it encourages them to keep misbehaving because they are always wondering if they will get away with it one more time.

Look for ways to prevent the problem from happening in the first place. For example, if the kids always fight over the TV channel, maybe everyone can agree on a fair plan that determines who chooses the channel at specific times.

Teach your children what you want them to do instead of  misbehaving- teach an action to replace the misbehavior, and make sure they fully understand what acting appropriately would look like.

Make sure there is plenty of positive attention available in your house on a daily basis and when kids are acting the right way. That way they will not have to act up just to get some attention- some kids figure that negative attention is better than no attention.

Do not let consequences take away most of you and your child's connection time. All kids need attention and connection! Kids might even be misbehaving because they are not getting enough attention and connection! Make sure there are regular opportunities for actively playing together, snuggling/hugs, kind words, time with each other, and one-on-one undivided attention time. Putting in this kind of positive time on the front end will likely save you the time of dealing with poor behavior on the back end.